The Truth For All You Out There To See.......

You know you never know if a person has changed.. I can say that I used to be a different person not the best person in the world I was a completely different person and well I put on a show for everyone.. Because I was afraid that people wouldn't except me for me.. I know longer care what anyone says or thinks if you ask me something I'm gonna tell you the truth no more pretending.. It is hard for me to say this but I have for so long lied to everyone and I feel as if no one knows the real me I finally after years showed the real me when I found someone who made me comfortable and that as if I didn't have to hide and pretend to be someone I am not.. It felt so great to be able to want to change and so everyone the kind and good-hearted person I can be so for once I am going to put the truth out there about everything in my life and the whole truth of my life for everyone to see. And to be honest I could careless what any of you think or say about me and if you don't like what I say in this well its my life and I don't regret any of it has made me the person I am today who is not the one I was just 2 years ago.. It started out in Ohio I when my parents divorced and my Mom didn't come around as much I felt as if I was not good enough to her to be her daughter and then to find out that I had been lied to my whole life that the man I thought was my father was not and that she hadn't even told my real father she was pregnant so I then felt very alone as if I had no one.. And then the search began to find where I came from.. I felt like I had been living a lie and as if I was not wanted by either one of them... Then Things just seemed to move on and then The man who raised me Larry deiced that he was moving to Arizona and I at the time did not want to move 2000 miles away.. So I made the really hard decision to move in with her Husband and my little sister.. Which after about a year became very uncomfortable because her now ex-husband always was making me uncomfortable and he had tried to test me by putting a pipe and what was cloves which he made me think was marijuana which made things very weird.. Then one of my best friend Jennifer Lucas was murdered and things at that time became very difficult at that time I made the decision to move to Wickenburg Arizona.. So on January 20th 2000 I landed in Arizona and made it my new home.. I still had the empty feeling inside and then I tried to fill it with drinking and hanging out with people.. I still could not fill that empty feeling and somewhere in those thoughts I thought that getting pregnant and having a baby would fill that empty feeling.. I thought if I had a baby it would be someone to love me because my whole life I thought no one truly loved me.. So then I met a man named Jason who promised me everything and then found out I was pregnant with my son.. I then found out that Jason was not a good person and was cheating on me with several women and he began stealing things from me and my family to buy his drugs.. It hurt me deeply and it just felt as another let down with bruised my heart even more it just felt as if someone else didn't love mean as if I wasn't good enough for anyone's love.. He promised to change we moved and I found out I was pregnant with my Daughter Brianna. I soon after she found out he was sleeping with several women in Wickenburg and had several other children.. I then left moved back in with my grandmother in Phoenix.. I then began doing drugs and hit rock bottom.. I then met a guy named Joe and he made me feel better as if the past 4 years of my life could be erased.. And after Knowing him one day I married him and got clean and started working then found out I was again pregnant with my daughter Caleigh.. then while I was still pregnant Joe would watch my other kids I came home from work one day to find my daughter Brianna with pinpoint marks on her face and missing hair in spots and large bumps on her head and to find out the man I was in love with had beat her and then CPS came in to my life.. My husband was arrested and I was so hurt that someone could do that to my child to this day I still don't understand.. I left him and vowed to never be hurt like that again.. But like always I felt alone and had started to use again and decided that it was time for me to get clean again.. I still like always felt alone and as if no one loved me but the cycle again started I met a man named Erik and started a relationship and he helped me alot I got clean and have stayed clean for almost 7 years now.. But that's not where it ended I was still dealing with CPS and seeing my 3 children when I found out that Erik and I where going to have a child Kayla my sunlight at the end of the tunnel.. I was then scared that CPS was going to take her away and I was already lost so at that time I made the choice to move to Texas and let my oldest children be adopted by family the hardest choice I made was to leave them But I feel it was the best choice I was always searching for someone to love me when I was the one who needed to love them and do what was best for them.. I then started working for a Hotel in Texas when I had Kayla.. I then felt I had changed my life living with Kayla's Dad and doing the family thing and working my butt off.. I then made the choice that I had changed enough and moved back to Arizona with my company but I was lying to myself and everyone else.. The empty and unloved feeling was still there so I began making up lies to coworkers and everyone because I just wanted to be loved and happy.. I was not happy with my life or my family so I would lie to my boyfriend at the time it was only toward the last year we where together I just no long had that feeling of wanting to be with him.. So I began trying again to fill that void and began seeing a guy named Jimmy and became pregnant once again and tried to make my then boyfriend believe it was his child which was wrong.. I then began to talk to someone I have known my whole life Bobby Meadows.. He was the only person I ever felt as if I could be myself and I had for once dropped the fake me and opened up to him and he as well opened up to me.. I was still pretending in my own little world lying to my then boyfriend and not telling him what I was doing and he had started to figure out and then finally things came to ahead and blew up in my face.. He and I then split it was very messy truly because I at the time was seeing Bobby and wanting to be with him it became very messy with our Daughter and I had made the decision that I was going to move back to Ohio with Bobby and that made My ex very mad.. I moved back to Ohio to try and find the real me and to be with Bobby the only person who has seen the real me and takes me for who I am.. Where I had my son Sawyer who was the son of the fling Jimmy I was seeing I knew I was not ready for another child I needed to get my life together I choose to give him up for adoption to have a better life.. I then Lied to erik about the child because for my selfish reasons did not want him to know I cheated on him.. I for once am happy and just trying to correct all my wrongs I have lied alot in my life and done alot of wrongs.. But all I can do is say I am sorry to everyone who has ever been caught in my crosshairs I am taking credit for everything and now see how in life can become so horrible over lies and deceit.. I am glad I have figured out how to move on and be able to change my ways and choose in life to no longer live that way and to let everyone see the real me.. And not have to pretend to be something I am not I am not perfect and who knows if I ever will be.. Who in life is perfect I choose to live a life with the person who's see's all of me and we have a loving relationship and fills the void.. I don't care if anyone chooses to believe if I have changed or not because I know I have.. I don't care if anyone believes if we are happy or not because I know we are and I know all the hard things we have gone threw in life brought us together.. So needless to say I am sorry for all the pain I have ever inflicted on anyone I am trying to move on and be the good person I can be.. I will always be grateful for all the advice and pointers from my wonderful fiance he has truly showed me that I need to just move on and not let anyone effect me and that I am the only one who can fill the empty feeling I have deep down inside.. So thank you everyone for listening...Tamra Jean Mattox....